Sizing Up

Released the same year as the Summer Olympics were being held in Los Angeles, 1984's Sizing Up is a celebration of beautiful boys, athletic prowess and guilt-free sex.

The movie opens as Tom and Dean (Brian Maxon and Steve Cruise) are zipping along in a convertible, the California sunshine washing over them, while a toe-tapping 80's style pop tune plays merrily on the car's radio (the song, “Sitting at the Wheel” is actually pretty good, the hook is rather catchy).  It seems that Tom is due at some major sporting event where he will be participating. 

Once he arrives and his buddy gives him a kiss for good luck, Tom makes it to the locker room where a group of guys are changing up for the day's events.  Once everyone else clears out, Kurt Marshall (playing himself, that's original) and Mike (Mark Miller) are left behind … and guess what happens?

Kurt Marshall was one of my favorite porn stars of the early 80's – with his mop of curly blond hair, his crooked smile and his seemingly insatiable sexual appetite, he could always be counted on for amping up the sexual believability of any scene he appeared in.  In Sizing Up, he does not disappoint. For instance, when Marshall goes down on Miller's member, he does it with such gusto you'd think the guy was actually lusting after him rather than just playing a role in a film.  Furthermore, when Miller lets loose with some major nipple work, Marshall's face reveals a man so into the proceedings, he looks like he might just explode.  And of course, when he gets fucked , he looks to be in in a state of pure bliss.  Conversely, Mark Miller (he of the broad shoulders, furry chest and dirty blond locks) really knows how to throw a mean fuck, but then again, considering that Kurt Marshall's ass was sheer perfection, who can blame him?

When the guys finish up, they head on out to the field to participate in the games...ah the magic of early 80's special effects!  You see, each one of our heroes in this epic specializes in some kind of track and field event, Brian Maxon is apparently the greatest javelin thrower since...well, since, who knows?  Marshall is a phenomenal pole vaulter and Miller makes short work of a discus.  OK, don't watch this scene to closely or you'll notice all of the editing tricks, and the blue screen effects.  I am especially fond of the scene's end when the three bucks are standing with gold medals around their necks, the American Flag waving madly behind them and a Muzak version of  “We Are The Champions” plays loud enough to drown out the dialogue.  You have to love over-the-top moments like these in skin flicks.

But I digress.

After the games, the guys head out into the Hollywood night and eventually hook ups occur.

One of the team-mates, Sparks (Tony Mitchell) apparently makes ends meet by go go dancing at a gay club.  After he's done shaking his groove thing, he repairs to a local park and waits for a hook up.

Dressed in tight leather jeans, and a leather biker's jacket, Mitchell, with his jet black pompadour, and angelic face,  is a delectable sight to be hold.  So once Doug (Chuck Spenser) shows up to sample the dancing fool's wares, well, again, I have to ask, who can blame him?   Boot worship, spanking and some light rough house ensues until Mitchell finally mounts Spenser and fucks him royally leaving both guys smiling dreamily.

Next up is a three way that features Matt Ramsey and two other guys enjoying the great outdoors.  It's always a kick catching Ramsey's gay scenes (as you may or may not know, these days Mr. Ramsey does straight porn under the name of Peter North, and he has claimed numerous times that much of his earlier films – the gay films-, that he actually did not have sex with other guys, it was mostly done through special effects- ).  All I can say is watch Ramsey getting fucked by two guys in this scene and tell me where the special effects are … that's all.

The finale of Sizing up finds Maxon in bed with three other guys (Steve Cruise, Jeff Pirelli and the gorgeous Chuck Spenser).  While this scene is pretty run of the mill stuff, one can not deny how handsome the guys are.  Spenser is specially a stand out, I can't quite put my finger on what it was about him that made him so damn attractive, but it's there – you'll see.  And Cruise is an absolutely adorable bottom boy with a charming smile and a bouncy butt that anyone might want to take a crack at.  However, this is Maxon's show, and the alpha dog does not disappoint.  When he finally gets his star turn, fucking Cruise, it's incredible.  Watch how the camera lingers on his sweaty, sinewy body, the way he seemingly dances his way into his partner, the pig-like way he spits on to his cock for lube … also, not that Cruise really seems to be enjoying the pummeling.  My only complaint is that clearly this scene was padded for time, and we see a lot of the action repeated over and over again.  I'd have appreciated seeing it in real time, hell that's what the rewind button is for.

All in all, Sizing Up, while short on plot (because the plot seems secondary about twenty minutes into the proceedings) was one of the last films of the so called golden age of porn.  Shot on film, having an original soundtrack, and a plot (albeit a paper thin one) and of course, the absence of condoms indicate the time and place of the proceedings.  That said, it's the sex in this film that is so wonderful – no one seems self conscious and the attitude is light and,  - dare I say it? -  fun! 

Check this one out, It's a winner!